This is My Miscarriage Story. It may be different for other women.
I spent a good portion of my morning crying my eyes out reliving my miscarriage. My memory may fail me from time to time, and as the years pass, what my miscarriage felt like, my surroundings, my emotions become raw as they resurface.
There’s a part 1 to this story, ever since I’ve published this article I haven’t been able to revisit this topic. Not in this way.
Call it self-preservation or defense mechanism, it’s a brokenness I carry around. Imagine the number of women walking around the world feeling the same way. Broken.
Miscarriage Statistics
1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage some statistics, and it’s very much taboo to discuss it. I found some very alarming statistics in this article if you care to read.
Thinking about my miscarriage brings back a lot of painful memories that I allow myself to feel sometimes.
October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month and I found it important to continue the dialogue and openly share what I went through with my miscarriage.
Unaware of what happens during a miscarriage, I simply thought it would be like menstruation and maybe for some it has been. It was not what happened to me.
Our family was gathered in a rental home for the holidays. Aunts and Uncles, cousins, nephews… everyone.
Christmas had passed and a couple of days before the New Year I was just out for my daily walk with my son when I began cramping and bleeding.
I called one of my cousins on the phone and we headed to the emergency room, where I was told they couldn’t find a heartbeat. Only a few days away from reaching my second trimester.
The nurse said I was discharged and told to expect to miscarry any day.
Can you imagine being surrounded by everyone on vacation for the holidays? Everyone ready to party, delicious foods being prepared for our NYE dinner.
I just wanted to be alone and asked to go home.
A deafening 3-hour drive home of silence.
What Happens During a Miscarriage?
In the middle of night, the pain really picked up and I began bleeding more and more.
I had gone to a home my husband had just finished renovating, there was nothing there as we were going to move in after the holidays passed.
There was just a mattress and a few other items. But I needed to be alone (although my son was with me, he’s very glued at the hip until today)
I spent a couple of hours in the bathroom, I didn’t realize there would be so much bleeding and pain.
My son woke up and came looking for me, I gathered all the strength that I could, paper towels to keep me from bleeding everywhere and tried putting him back to sleep.
Thinking back, It wasn’t smart of me to have been alone through this.
After he fell back I asleep I went back to the bathroom. Then I called my husband to come over but I realized I had the only key and I had to unlock the front door (mind you this is a 3 story home with an elevator, however I wasn’t thinking straight and walked down and back up 3 flights of stairs)
As I continued to miscarry, my son wakes up one more time and I again have to put him back to sleep and head back to the bathroom.
I passed out twice during my miscarriage
At this point I’m so weak I called 911, I passed out on the call while trying to give the dispatcher the address. When I finally came to I was just hearing the dispatcher say, Ma’am I didn’t get the address.
I passed out once more after the call was complete but I wasn’t aware I had finished talking. When I came to I head noises.
The ambulance arrived with my husband.
The firefighters or EMT’s – I’m not sure who arrived first, came up the stairs and I talked to them a bit and they put a towel over my naked bottom half, put me on a wheelchair and wheeled me out (Using the elevator this time)
I was mumbling to them what happened and where the baby was. I was able to “fish” him/her out of the toilet as I kept watching what I was passing all the blood clots & tissue and I let them know where I put him/her.
Then to the emergency room I went. Alone while my husband stayed behind with our son.
It was a very painful, traumatizing experience. It was 100 times worse than when I did give birth.
At the hospital, after they looked at me and while I was waiting for an ultra-sound I felt an urge to go pee and got up to use the restroom.
When I stood up I felt like what must have been part of the placenta exit my body and splatter on the ground.
The ultra-sound was done to verify there wasn’t anything left inside of me as it could cause an infection.
After being cleared, I went home and laid in bed with my husband all day and sent my son over to his grandparents to spend the day.
Emotional damage and repercussions of having a miscarriage
Emotional damage is a given in this situation. I’m between 15 to 20 pounds over my normal weight. I eat more to fill a void.
The head was severed from the body when I tried lifting it up to put it in a water bottle. I carried the fetus inside this water bottle for 3 months until I eventually asked my husband to bury him/her.
I didn’t speak about my hurt but it showed through my actions.
I’m scared of getting pregnant and worrying about whether or not I will suffer a miscarriage again.
In the best case scenario, I’ll have a healthy pregnancy and will finally get my rainbow baby as babies after loss are commonly referred to.
That is the hope I hold on to dearly.
I haven’t edited this article, I can’t bear to read over it and make corrections. This is it. My miscarriage story as told as my brain is unfolding this torturous event.
How Can You Help Someone who has Suffered a Miscarriage or Infant Loss?
Do I have a word of encouragement to those that have gone through pregnancy and/or infant loss? There’s nothing anyone can say to make losing a child feel better.
We make sure to always remember those we’ve lost, and care for those who are going through this.
Check in on your friends, stop by, help around the house, take them out to lunch/dinner, if they have children – watch them for a few hours. Insist.
What not to say to someone who’s had a miscarriage.
- It was God’s Will
- You’ll get Pregnant Again
- It was probably for the best or anything similar
- If they already have children, do not say at least you have one/some
Final words – Break the Taboo Surrounding Miscarriage and Infant Loss
I know how difficult it is to share such sensitive information, no one around me openly share any loss they had gone through. I knew so little about miscarriages that I never imagined it would be so physically challenging.
My prayer for anyone who reads this post can find some solace, Know you are not alone.
It’s a battle of fighting negative feelings but you will live again.
You will smile.
If you need someone to talk to you can count on me. Please reach out to me via email, comment on this post or social media.
Need additional support? Contact a health care provider or you can visit the Star Legacy Foundation for more information.
Thank you for your support.
Love,
Ellen
